I would like to begin by sincerely thanking my friends who have listened to me yap at them for hours upon hours about how they need to join me in making shuriken out of CDs and animals out of balloons. I would like to thank my family for putting up with me explaining how I planned to conquer the next computer game level or telling them, in detail, the plot of my new favorite show’s latest episode. I would also like to thank anyone who has successfully redirected a conversation with me away from my current obsession. You, sir, have immense skill and patience. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t obsessed with something. I’ve decided that, if it’s possible, I’m going to compile a list of everything I’ve ever obsessed over, ever:
Teletubbies–I loved them. I remember telling my dad that he couldn’t take me to preschool until the morning’s episode’s credits were finished rolling. Po was very important to me.
Hula Hoop–I got a yellow plastic hula hoop for my fifth birthday, and I had to conquer this art form. My parents were required to evaluate the progress of my hula-ing skill by clapping one to 10 times to indicate the success of my last attempt. This obsession served me well in field day hula hooping competitions. I never lost.
puzzles–Fitting together scenes from The Jungle Book, 101 Dalmatians and Chicken Run occupied much of my time as a five year old. Sometimes, I would accidentally stay up all night, tiling my floor with jigsaw cardboard. I wasn’t interested in anything over 50 pieces though because that’s ridiculous.
Survivor–My parents were also obsessed, but I was a tad bit over the top. I was pretty much in love with Jeff Probst.
101 Dalmatians–I owned like 30 miniature figures from this movie. I colored their heads with crayon to make tribal buffs, and then I made them play Survivor.
Dogs–After my parents secretly got rid of my two Yorkies when I was six, I wanted another dog. When they refused, I wrote them a strongly worded, poorly spelled letter about how I would never think about dogs ever again because I would never ever get one, and that was all my parents’ fault.
Freddi Fish computer games–these were the best. After I coerced my parents into purchasing the latest adventure episode, I would spend my every waking hour developing strategies for proving that Luther’s uncle Blenny didn’t steal the Founder’s Day Festival’s conch shell. I was only allowed to play on the computer for 30 minutes a day, so I had plenty of time to divulge my strategies’ mechanics to my parents during the other 23 hours and 30 minutes.
Kim Possible–Kim Possible was at 3:30 p.m. every week day. I watched religiously, and I played the online games, which are actually still really fun.
Barbie Pet Rescue–This was my favorite computer game in which you rescued kitties, turtles and puppies from barns, wells and playgrounds. There are no competitors in that field really.
Fairies–most of my life has been spent hating girly stereotypes, but for the week in which my mom decorated my bedroom, I loved glitter and pixie dust. I lived in a room covered with my brief lapse of judgement for three, long years.
Leprechauns–I totally didn’t believe in them until my kindergarten teacher showed us little leprechaun clothes in her little leprechaun traps, proving that she’d almost caught one. I constructed an entire house out of building blocks, furnished with tiny chairs and tables for the magic creatures to stay. I cut out tiny photos for them to look at while they ate the plate of cheerios I put on the tiny table, and I was sorely disappointed when I didn’t have nearly as much success as Ms. Johnson.
Club Penguin–My accounts on Club Penguin were short-lived because I was a bit of a troll. I would make fun of members for paying money to play a computer game, serenade other penguins and then switch worlds without saying goodbye, and cleverly work around the safe chat restrictions to insult my fellow flightless birds. Moderators could ban access to my accounts, but they couldn’t ban my swag.
RuneScape–RuneScape was freaking awesome, but one time my dad walked in while I was mercilessly slaying an ogre, and he decided that it was too violent for a 10 year old.
The Suite Life of Zach and Cody–if you weren’t obsessed with this show, then you weren’t living.
Warriors–These are some good books about cats that live in clans and kill each other sometimes.
Rhett and Link
Anime–I wasn’t obsessed with reading manga, but I spent way too much time drawing characters in the Anime and Chibi styles.
Duct tape wallets
Korean—I was obsessed with Korean because this guy in my class in seventh grade was from South Korea, and I thought his culture was intriguing.
walking my cat on a leash–I dreamed of strutting down the sidewalk with my loyal feline trotting at my side, but my efforts were fruitless because my cat is terrified of the world beyond her front door. The second I got her outside, she would wiggle out of the harness and run to the screen door, meowing pitifully for someone to rescue her from my antics.
unicycling, juggling and making balloon animals–Apparently in eighth grade, I aspired to become a clown in a crappy circus or something.
Sepak Takraw–As far as I know, this sport is exclusively played in Asian countries. I can only describe it as volleyball with feet. This obsession didn’t last long because I’m not remotely coordinated enough to even try to play the game.
origami–I still fold occasionally, but I used to do it exclusively. In class, after school, before school, during lunch, anytime was crane folding time.
Rubik’s cube–I can solve 2/3 of a Rubik’s cube because of a three week period in eighth grade. I am also the proud owner of a speed cube, a 3×1 cube and a key-chain cube.
America’s Got Talent
CD Shuriken–Pretty sure that I’m the reason Veritas Christian School specifically bans throwing stars in their handbook. I would cut blank CDs into sharply-pointed stars, tape pushpins on the ends of the points and then throw my creations at people, inanimate objects and wild animals.
Britain’s Got Talent
Gerbils–check out my blog entry My Gerbil Farm if you want to know how that worked out.
Australia’s Got Talent
Hemp bracelet making–yes, I have always been a hipster.
Spinning a basketball on my finger
Getting a dog–If anyone wondered, Maltese are the best small dog breed. I know because I spent three months researching them and saving to buy one. I scrapped my plan 20 library books and $500 saved later because I realized I don’t have time to take care of a dog, and I’m going to go to college without my pets in two years anyway.
newspaper–I spend way too much time editing stories, writing stories and working on the online paper. I need to get a life.
Doctor Who and Sherlock–Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss are the most brilliant television writers ever, and that is all I have to say on the matter.
Pennyboarding–it’s better than skateboarding.
Reading classics–I got 23 classic novels from a retired librarian’s garage sale, and I have made it my personal mission to read them all before I graduate high school.
Gluten-free–two months ago, I joined the ever-widening ranks of the gluten-free hipster army.
My list could probably keep going, but I realize now that I don’t have time to write down all of my obsessions. I think everyone gets the point: I don’t have a life, and I never have had one. I’m completely okay with that.